Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
