i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
