i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
