I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
