I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
