Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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