just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
