Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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