u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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