my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
