Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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