Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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