Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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