Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
