My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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