i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize