You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
