I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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