If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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