I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
