just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
don't judge my taste in strippers
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Congratulations! We have a period
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