So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
