i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
