guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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