He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I have already put on my inside pants.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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