i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
