Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
