I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
