Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I touched a dick in church today
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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