Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize