Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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