Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
