You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
