was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
