Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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