you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize