you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
