I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
