After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm just crazy horny about you
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
