I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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