Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
