I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
