Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
