My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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