did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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