he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
