I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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