When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
