this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
