Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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