I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
