just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize