Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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