you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
