I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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