Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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