That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
