Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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