today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
