i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
