a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Come on in and take your pants off
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