I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
