If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Welp...herpes.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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