i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
