and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
