Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
