I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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