I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
