Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
